Coffee With: Deb Bibbins of For All Ages

On a mission to eradicate loneliness

By Carl Wiser

Staff Writer, Valley LIFE

This is surprising: 18 to 22 is the loneliest age group right now.

"Many people believe it has to do with social media, spending too much time on phones, and lack of in-person social connection," Deb Bibbins explains. "Doors are closed. No one's talking to each other."

Bibbins is the founder of For All Ages, a Simsbury-based nonprofit working to bring people of different generations together. The next most-lonely age group you can probably guess: 70-plus. "For all the reasons that you would expect," says Bibbins. "A lot of people have lost loved ones. Grief perpetuates loneliness, so that can be a really difficult time in someone's life."

It makes sense, then, to bring these age groups together, which For All Ages does with programs like rock painting, a fishing derby, and their popular Tea At 3 community. For that one, a college student is matched with an older adult based on common interest, and they each drink a cup of tea during a weekly 20-minute phone call. "It's been fabulous," says Bibbins. "We've now had more than 500 Connecticut residents go through this program. We just finished our eighth session."

The students come from universities across the state, signed up through a network of student volunteers and professors. The older adults For All Ages finds by working with senior centers, adult living communities, and organizations like Meals On Wheels. The matchmaking usually works.

"We have brought together retired physicians with pre-med students. We've brought together ukulele players. We've brought together two people that speak French as their native language. Whatever people share on their applications, we go through it and match."

Seems weird that college kids are so isolated, doesn't it? But this is a generation that grew up with smartphones and were in lockdown at a key time of their social development. And AI is only making it worse. "They're not even thinking about the importance of social connection," says Bibbins. "We need to teach people how to do this by bringing people together."

Many older adults stopped making new friends long ago, and that becomes a problem. "As we age, it's more important to have younger friends because they're less likely to pass away and will be there for them," says Bibbins. "You go through your life, you have friends that are your own age. You continue to age together, and what happens when they're not there any longer? As we're aging, how do we have that social connectivity network? It's going to take intention to create it and sustain it."

According to Bibbins, loneliness is a root cause of anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and a host of other ills. A year ago, the Surgeon General declared it a health crisis. Government programs are being floated, but most have been bogged down by politics, leaving For All Ages on the front lines.

What To Do If You're Lonely

If you're lonely, you can find a program at forallages.org. Bibbins also has these suggestions:

1) Volunteer

"Find an organization that has some meaning for you, and reach out to them and ask how you can help. Not only are you getting your social connection and forging new friendships, but you have a purpose and you can feel fulfilled by the fact that you're giving back."

2) Go To The Library

"Libraries are community hubs. Libraries have really blossomed with offering many programs, especially since the pandemic. Libraries are not just for reading anymore, they're for bringing people together."

3) Join A Club

"Think about a hobby and reach out to a local club. Photography clubs are huge and have very limited barriers to entry - all you need is a cell phone these days. Photography clubs often will have people who are experts and people who are beginners. That's a hobby that doesn't have barriers that some others may have, like running or other physical-related hobbies.

Who Is Most Likely To Be Lonely?

According to Bibbins, anyone in a transitional period is at risk for loneliness. This includes new moms who have left their social networks behind at work, kids leaving home, and older adults who uproot to be closer to their children. "The children are probably going off to work and mom is stuck home alone with no friend network," says Bibbins. "They don't think about how to help mom grow her social network in this new place where she knows no one. There needs to be time and thought put into that."

The caregiver population is also at risk, as is anyone who moves or takes a new job or starts working from home.

Founding For All Ages

After graduating from UConn with a degree in finance, Bibbins went to work for Travelers and earned two more degrees while working full time: an MBA from UMass and a law degree from UConn. She left to work for a law firm, then joined The Hartford. She started For All Ages in 2019 after watching a family member struggle with loneliness at the end of his life.

"He was the last of his friends to be alive," says Bibbins. "All his friends passed away before him and as his social network shrunk he became more isolated and lonely. After watching him go through this really tough time and then subsequently passing away very quickly, I started doing research on the impact of loneliness and found all this research on the detrimental mental and physical health impacts of loneliness. I went looking for a non-profit to help with this mission and couldn't find one, so after some soul-searching I decided to found For All Ages."

One of their first programs brought older adult carpenters from the Farmington Valley into Simsbury High with the tech-ed students. Together, they redesigned Adirondack chairs to make them easier to get in and out of.

"They finished their work in March of 2020 about a week before the state shut down. We subsequently clear-coated the chairs ourselves and placed them in pairs throughout the town of Simsbury during the summer of 2020, which proved to be this really unique opportunity for people to get out of their houses."

Rock painting was another early program. Elementary school students and older adults came together to decorate 350 rocks for Simsbury's 350th anniversary.

"We didn't even put paint brushes out for the first 45 minutes so people had to talk with one another," says Bibbins. "We did icebreakers. We brought together nearly a thousand people across six months of gatherings, bringing people together to talk, to socialize, to have fun and get to know each other across the generations."

At one rock-painting event held at an adult living community, a woman who had been self-isolating for months following the death of her spouse finally came out of her room.

"She heard what was going on, she heard all the fun that was taking place. She opened her door, came out of her room and sat down. The leaders at that adult living community called me the next morning and said, You will not believe the impact that this simple program had on this one person's life. She came to breakfast for the first time. She came to lunch today, and her whole demeanor has changed. She said to us, grief will be with me forever, but I understand the need to move past it."

Bibbins lives in the John Humphrey House in Simsbury with her husband Ken. Their daughter Mikayla, 26, is in the Doctor of Physical Therapy Program at UConn.

We met with Deb at Beanz in Avon, the same place our last "Coffee With" subject, Bob Maxon of NBC Connecticut, chose. Over an iced tea, we got to know her better with these questions.

What do you like to do when you're not working?

I love being out in nature. I find it to be very peaceful and relaxing.

We have a rescue dog and we often are out walking. You'll find us out, whether it's at Penwood in the state forest or at the reservoir in West Hartford.

Favorite book?

There is a book that I read years ago called All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten. It's about simple ways to be kind to others and to appreciate your time on Earth. That resonates with me and has stuck with me.

When I applied to law school, we had to write our essay on a book, and I wrote my essay on that book. I received a phone call from the dean of UConn law school, who said, "Far and away the best essay we've ever seen on a book, because it shows you're not being academic and trying to impress us, you're just being authentic."

Is there a defining moment in your life that stands out?

In 1979, when I was a 14-year-old freshman at Southington High School, I wanted to run track, but there wasn't a girls' track team, so I had to appeal to join the boys' track team. The coach said that if I could find one other girl, I could join, because he didn't want me in the girls' locker room alone.

So I found another girl and we joined. He said, "You can practice, but the only way I'm going to let you compete at a meet is if you can run the 400 meters in less than a minute and beat at least one other boy on the team." So I worked really hard for two weeks and I beat the minute by a few seconds and beat two of the boys on the team, as did the other girl. So he let us compete as JV runners that first year.

That was the first time I learned about the value of advocating for yourself and advocating for others. I learned about the power of persuasion for the first time, and how if you really work hard for something, you can make things happen. That's something that has stuck with me as I've gone through my life.

What is something you'd like to learn?

It's on my bucket list to learn American Sign Language. I've dabbled here and there, but one of these days I'm going to find the time to really learn it.

What's one of your non-work-related talents?

I enjoy cooking. I love experimenting. I love taking a recipe and doing my own thing with it.

What wisdom would you give to your younger self?

To recognize how short life is and to be present as much as I can, because life goes by so quickly.